Between Darkness and Light, part 9

By Isis Osiris

The taste of blood on my tongue brings a mixture of feelings. The girl's struggles thrill me, urging me to take more, revel in the kill. But the thought of needing to take an innocent girl's life in order to sustain my own disgusts me and fills me with loathing. If vampires aren't supposed to care about their victims, why do I? Again I am plagued with the thought that I am not a "normal" vampire. Did I feel this way before I lost my memory? Or is this another result of the amnesia? Does Spike know about this? I don't think he does. He's not cruel enough (to me, at least) to force me to do something I despise. Should I tell him, or deal with it on my own? So many questions, and I don't know how to find the answers.

"Better, luv?" Spike asks as I drop the cooling body to the ground.

"Much. What are we going to do, Spike?"

"I take it then, that you haven't remembered anything more?" I shake my head sadly and he lifts my chin so that I meet his gaze. "We'll beat this thing, Willow."

"But what if we don't? What if I keep forgetting things? What then?"

"You won't. But if you do, then we'll deal with this, together. Have you forgotten anything else?" He leads me across the floor and sets me on the edge of the bed.

"I don't think so. I don't remember forgetting anything… Wait, that didn't come out right."

"I know what you mean, luv."

"Did you find out anything?" Please, let him know something, *anything* that can explain what's happening to me.

"Not yet. Lucius is looking into it as we speak, and I sent a couple of the boys to talk to Willy, so if there's anything to be found, we'll find it."

"And if not?"

"If there's not a cure in the books, then we'll have to discover it for ourselves." He's so certain that this will all work out. Why can't I feel the same? Why can't I… Mmmmm, a back rub. He's so sweet.

"Spike, why are you so nice to me?"

"Come again?" I turn to face him and catch his hands in my own.

"I mean, this is a lot of trouble to go through for one fledgling. You're looking for a cure that may not exist, and you've gone through so much for me already. Why are you doing this?"

"I… I don't know, pet. Like I said before, you're not like other vampires. You're special. And not just because of all this. You… you remind me a lot of Drusilla. Of what she might have been, if Angelus had just turned her, instead of driving her insane."

"I'm not her, Spike."

"I know that, but you're like her in so many ways. She was really quite bright, in her lucid moments. But those were few and far between." Now I've gone and made him all sad again. Well, mabe the poison is also the cure.

"What was she like?"

"She was… like the new moon. Mysterious, with a kind of unearthly beauty to her. She was two different people, really. When she was… weak, she was like a little child. She needed protection and someone to do things for her. I loved it. She needed me. Angelus was gone, and I was the one she turned to. And then, after the ritual, she was so strong. A vampire queen. She knew what she wanted, and she knew how to get it. Nothing could stop her. She didn't need me anymore, but I needed her. I was in that bloody chair, and she took care of me for a while. Then Angel became Angelus again, and everything changed. The two of us were never the same again. She remembered what things used to be, and wanted Angelus again. I was merely second choice for when he couldn't be bothered. It destroyed her when he left again. She blamed me for helping the Slayer, and after that, it was like… she wasn't there anymore. She forgot things… basic principles of being a vampire. And it ended in her death." Wow. I don't know how to respond to that. I mean, his whole life has revolved around her, and now she's gone. What happens now? Am I the new Drusilla?

"Do you… Are… Am I to be her replacement?" I don't think I can do that. The attention is great, and I do need him right now, but I don't want to be forever in her shadow.

"No, Willow. No one could ever replace her. She will always be my dark goddess. But you… you shouldn't worry about such things. The sun will be up soon. Get some more rest, and I'll see what the others have found."

"But I --"

"Need to rest if you want to finish what you've started." He locks the door as he leaves, and once again, I am left alone with my thoughts.