Expectations

By Isis Osiris

I sit here in the dark, alone. I won't lie to myself and pretend that I'm not afraid of what might be waiting in the shadows all around me. I am terrified. I clutch the stake I have been holding even tighter as I wait and wonder if I should be better prepared to defend myself. It is all I have. Not even Buffy and the other Slayerettes can help me this time. They don't know I am here, and I am the last one they would expect to do something so stupid. But that is why I am here… because it is not expected.

All of my life, I have been what everyone expected me to be: intelligent, studious, quiet, a good student, honest, trustworthy, dependable, a good friend, sincere… the list goes on and on. It's not that these qualities aren't admirable in any person… it's just that I never *chose* to possess them. People expected me to do things and act a certain way, and so I did, for no other reason than to live up to their expectations. There have been so many times when I wanted to do something or wanted to *not* do something, but everyone expected me to do what they expected, so I had to put my wishes aside. For example, I wanted to stand up to Cordelia when she insulted Jesse, Xander, and me. I would sit in my room and think of insults to throw back at her the next day, but I never said a word because she expected me to take it. Of course, there have been times when I surprised people with my actions. Xander and Cordelia were… well, surprised is the best word, I guess… when I told them to help me or 'get the hell out of my library.' But I was trying to save Buffy and Giles from Eyghon! They were counting on me, so even that was expected, in a way. I mean, what was I supposed to do, let the demon from Giles' past destroy both the Slayer and the Watcher?

I suppose I brought this on myself by trying to be the perfect child, the perfect student, the perfect friend, and even the perfect girlfriend. Well, the perfect girlfriend never actually happened, but I tried to be the perfect example of what I thought Xander would want in a girlfriend if he ever decided to notice me as something other than "one of the guys." But he never did, and I could never bring myself to actually say anything to him. I almost did, once, when Buffy was trying to convince me to, but I didn't because she didn't really expect me to do it anymore than Xander or I did. So now he's dating Cordelia, and I don't think he really understands how I felt… how I feel. I tell myself it's over, that he's made his decision and he didn't choose me, but it doesn't change things. I've known him for practically forever and loved him just as long. Knowing that Oz cares about me helps a little, but I'm not totally over Xander yet. I doubt I ever will be.

I glance at my watch. He's late. I suppose he's giving me one last chance to be frightened and run home. It's working. The longer I sit here, the more my determination to see this through weakens. But I tell myself that this is not just for me, but for those I care about. If I don't go through with it, they will all die. And I will watch it happen because I was afraid to be my own person. This is quite a change… the Hacker saving the Slayer's life. Buffy would never expect this. Which, once again, explains why I am here. No one expects this. I doubt he even expects me to be here.

I hear a twig snap and turn, raising my stake. I find myself looking into his face. He smiles, amused at my presence or my fear, I am not sure which.

"Well, luv, you're here. What an unexpected surprise."

"We had a deal. Did you really think that I wouldn't show up?"

"Actually, to tell you the truth, I didn't expect you to be here. That's the only reason I bothered to come here at all. I knew you wouldn't disappoint me. So, shall we?"

I stood and closed the distance between us. "You are going to keep your promise, right?"

"Of course, Ducks. By the end of the week, we'll be gone, and I won't hurt any of your friends. Don't you trust me?"

"No offense, but no. One more thing… will it hurt?"

"A bit. But then you'll just feel a little dizzy. I've heard it compared to being on laughing gas… whatever that is."

I pull my hair to the side and tilt my head, exposing my neck to him. "Promise me again."

"I promise you that I'll leave Sunnydale once this is over, and I won't kill any of your bloody friends."

I gasped in surprise and pain as his fangs pierced the skin of my throat, and my knees began to buckle. He was right, I was feeling dizzy. But he supported me as he drained my blood. As darkness clouded my consciousness and I drifted towards death and undeath, he stopped drinking, and bit his own wrist. The blood trickled down my throat and the blackness consumed me.

"I won't have to, Ducks. You'll do it for me."