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"Quod perditum est, invenietur." Buffy, Giles, and Xander sat in the watcher’s living room, beginning an all-too-familiar ritual. "Te implor, Doamne, nu ignora aceasta rugaminte. Nici mort, nici al fiintei. Lasa orbita sa fie vasul care-i va transporta, sufletul la el." As Giles spoke the words that would bind a soul to a demon, Xander and Buffy watched as the vampire that was once their best friend paced just outside the window.
"Do you think this will work?"
"I hope so, Xan. I don’t know what I’ll do if it doesn’t."
"Could you… you know?"
"I don’t know. She’s a vampire, and has tried to kill us all, so I should have no problem destroying her. It’s my sacred duty and all that. And yet…"
"And yet, she’s still Willow."
"Yeah. And I have to believe that she’s still in there somewhere, waiting for us to help her out."
"Asa sa fie! Asa sa fie! Acum!" The orb between them glowed brightly and then dimmed, the light simultaneously flashing in Willow’s eyes before she took off running from the house containing her intended prey.
*****
"Willow?" Spike called out as he saw a redhead
turn the corner ahead of him. His mate hadn’t returned to their lair that
morning, and now he was getting worried. She’d set out to get back at the
Slayer the night before, and he hadn’t seen her since. Turning the corner,
he grabbed the girl by the arm. She spun around to face him. "Sorry, I
thought you were someone else." She started to leave, but he tightened
his grip on her and pulled her to him. "You’re not my Red, but I have another
use for you." The girl didn’t have time to scream before his fangs were
buried in her neck and her life was drained away. Dropping her to the ground,
Spike continued to search for the undead witch.
*****
"So I was thinking, if we just added some heavy drapes to the windows, then…." Cordelia’s voice trailed off as her thoughts were interrupted by a vision.
"Cordelia? Are you okay?" Angel knelt at her side and waited for the pain to subside.
"Yeah, but if I ever see Doyle again, I’m going to kill him. Aspirin, please?" Angel handed her the white pills and a glass of water and waited for her to continue. "What?" the brunette actress asked when the vampire continued to watch her.
"The vision?"
"Yeah, painful, huh? And they always come at the worst times. So anyway, as I was saying before I was so painfully interrupted, if we just… what?"
"What was the vision about?"
"Oh, that. You have to go back to Sunnydale. Willow needs your help." Angel slipped out of the office and began preparing for the trip back to the Hellmouth. "So I was thinking a nice slate gray. I know it’s kind of boring, but it does go with the décor, don’t you think so, Angel? Angel? Fine, see if I ever consult you before redecorating again!"
*****
"No. No, I didn’t. Please, don’t!" Willow sobbed as the past three years replayed themselves before her eyes. She saw them all, in rich detail. From waking up in Spike’s arms that first night to leaving Anya’s lifeless body on Xander’s step. And finally to following them to Giles’ house and waiting for them to leave the safety of its boundaries. Once she realized what they were doing, she ran in search of Spike, hoping that he would be able to stop the ritual before it was too late. But she never made it that far. The overwhelming pain stopped her just blocks away from her lair, and she was forced to seek shelter from the sun in the doorway of an abandoned warehouse. It was there that Spike found her, nearly a day later.
"Willow, pet, is that you?"
"Spike?"
"Yeah, pet, it’s me. Where were you today?"
"I’m so sorry, Spike. I didn’t mean to… But I couldn’t stop it."
"Stop what, Red?"
"The Slayer. She… don’t hate me, Spike."
"I don’t hate you. Come on, now. Let’s get you home and you can tell me all about what you did to the Slayer." Spike started to lift her to her feet, but stopped when she cried out.
"No, it hurts. Make it stop, Spike."
"You have to tell me what happened first. Did the Slayer do it?"
"Yes," she hissed as another wave of pain and guilt washed over her.
"I’ll give you her head on a platter and you can bathe in her blood. Would that make it better?"
Images of the mangled bodies of her childhood friends flashed before Willow’s eyes, and her tears began anew. "No, please don’t. Spike… I can’t. Not anymore."
"What did she do to you, Willow?"
"I… She…" Her voice broke into sobs.
"What, pet? Whatever it is, I’ll fix it."
Willow stared up at him with eyes full of sorrow, pain, and guilt. "She gave me a soul."
*****
"I can’t find her, Giles. She wasn’t outside here, and she didn’t go to her parents’ house." Buffy explained as she entered the Watcher’s apartment the next evening.
"I don’t know, Buffy. But you must accept the possibility that the guilt was too much for her. We may have been wrong in assuming that she would turn to us for help after she regained her soul. She may have left Sunnydale completely, or even –"
"No, she wouldn’t. Don’t even think that."
"We have to consider the possibility. You saw how Angel was when we restored his soul, and he’d already dealt with that pain and guilt once. Besides, Willow’s soul was one of the purest we know. Having to deal with all she’s done to you and Xander… We can only look for so long."
"I don’t like it any more than you do, Buff, but it has been a whole day. If she made it to shelter before dawn, then she could be anywhere by now. And if not, then… it was windy today. We may never find her."
"You too, Xander? Fine. If you don’t want to help me, then don’t. But I *will* find her."
"Buffy, we want to help Willow, too. That’s why we performed the spell. But there are other things that require our attention at the moment and we cannot…" Giles turned suddenly as the door opened to reveal Angel and Cordelia, matching worried expressions on their faces.
"Where’s Willow?" Angel asked, striding into the apartment past the stunned slayer.
"Angel?"
"Where is she?"
"We don’t exactly know. That’s what we’re trying to determine. We haven’t seen her since last night when –"
"You haven’t seen her all day? And you’re just now starting to look for her? She could be hurt, or dead, or… what?"
"Since when do you care so much about Willow?" Buffy eyed him skeptically.
"Since… it doesn’t matter. What matters is that we find her. She’s in danger. Cordelia had a vision. Didn’t you worry when she didn’t come by at all today? I know she doesn’t have to check in or anything, but…"
"Angel, Willow hasn’t ‘checked in’ with us in over three years, except to leave us a reminder that she’s still around and watching us."
"I’m sorry, I didn’t know you weren’t friends any more. I guess I haven’t kept in touch like I should have."
"Willow’s a vampire."
*****
"Pet?" Spike called out softly as he spotted Willow in one of the spare rooms of their lair. She sat at the head of the large bed, knees tucked under her chin, and arms wrapped tightly around her legs as she stared blankly at the wall above the doorway. Lost in thought like this, she looked very much like the innocent child she had been only a few short years ago, before a demon had taken over her body. When she didn’t answer, Spike turned sadly and started to leave, only to be stopped by her soft voice.
"Why, Spike?"
"Why what, pet?"
"Why everything. Why did they do this to me? Why did I do such horrible things to them? Why do I still want to kill them, even though I know it’s wrong? Why can’t they let me be happy? Why…" She trailed off, turning away from the blond vampire.
"Why…" Spike encouraged, crossing the distance between them and turning her chin so she faced him again.
"Why are you still here?"
*****
"I know it’s hard to accept, Buffy, but what other possibility is there? She’s gone. It didn’t work. We failed." Giles tried unsuccessfully to convince his Slayer to face a very possible reality.
"No. It worked. I know it. The spell returned her soul to her."
"Then she’s long gone by now. Either physically, or eternally."
"She’s still alive." Angel spoke softly.
"See, Giles? I knew it."
"How do you know, Angel?"
"Spike is her Sire. And I am his. I would have felt it if one of his childer died. That’s how I knew that Drusilla was gone," he explained.
"Oh."
"Well, since she’s not dead, now all we have to do is find her, and everything will be fine. Angel can go back to helping people in LA, and Willow can be our own souled vampire here in Sunnydale."
"Is that all you care about? Having Willow around to help you?"
"Well, now that she has her soul, everything will go back to normal. So she’ll be one of the Scoobies again, only better, ‘cause she can fight, too. What else is there to worry about?"
"You don’t know how wrong you are, Buffy. The soul you gave her remembers everything she’s done. Both in life, and as a demon. And the demon’s still there, fighting to get free. It doesn’t leave and let the soul take over. It sits there, inside, tempting and taunting you to give in, just of a moment. But you can’t give in, because you know that as soon as you do, everyone you love and everything you care for will be destroyed. And it hurts. You feel like you’re being torn in two, and there’s no way to stop it, because it’s inside you. It gets easier with time, but that ache never goes away. And deep down, you know you’ll never belong. You’re not human anymore, but you’re not just a demon either. You know that you’ve been condemned to an eternity of solitude that will only end when you are sent to Hell."
"Angel, if what you say is true, and Willow is still alive, in a manner of speaking, then perhaps you should look for her. You have… common ground, it seems. Perhaps she would be more receptive to you."
"I’ll do my best, Rupert."
*****
"Why am I still here, pet? Where else would I be?" Spike sat beside Willow, softly stroking her hair.
"I don’t know…. Off killing the Slayer, or destroying over the world, or something. Being a normal vampire."
"Because I promised you that you could be the one to kill Slutty, destroying the world is Angelus’ gig, and what does my being here with you have to do with being a normal vampire?"
"Because I’m not! And… and you should hate me. Why don’t you hate me, Spike?"
"I could never hate you. I hate what they’ve done to you, but I don’t hate you."
"I think you should go."
"What? Why?"
"I don’t want your pity."
"I don’t pity you. I love you too much."
"You can’t. Demons can’t love."
"Yes they can. Most just choose not to."
"Love makes you weak. Like Angel."
"And you?"
"What about me?"
"Are you weak?"
"I wasn’t before. But now… It hurts, Spike. I just want it to stop. And I hate myself for being so weak about it."
"Before… You didn’t love me before you had a soul? I think you’re right. I should go." Spike stood and walked out the door, his undead heart breaking when she made no move to stop him. Once Willow could no longer sense his presence, she allowed the tears she thought had run out to flow again.
"See… I knew you would leave. They all do."
*****
"Spike." Angel called out softly as his childe crossed the street in front of him, oblivious to his surroundings. When he did not respond, Angel called out again, louder this time. "Spike."
"Heard you the first time, Peaches," Spike replied.
"What happened?"
"What, you don’t know? The cheerleader didn’t have a vision to tell you what was going on? What are you doing here, anyway?"
"Cordelia had a vision."
"And…?"
"Willow’s in trouble."
"And?"
"And what, Spike? That’s all I know. Why aren’t you concerned? You are her sire, after all."
"Not anymore."
"What do you mean?"
"She’s gone, Angelus. My Red is gone."
"She can’t be…. I would have felt…"
"Not dead, you Poof. Gone. She’s not mine anymore."
"Yes she is, Spike. She just has a soul now."
"You don’t understand. I’ve lost her. She doesn’t want me anymore. I disgust her."
"No, Spike… she doesn’t mean…"
"She called me weak for having a bloody chip in my skull. And for loving her. She doesn’t really love me."
"She’s confused. Give her time."
"Time. Yeah, we’ve got plenty of that now, don’t we? The rest of eternity, unless we happen to collide with a twig. Well, it’s a bloody long time to spend alone."
"You don’t have to."
"No, I could go back and have Red tell me how much she despises me for loving her."
"That’s not what I’m suggesting."
"Pray tell, oh mighty Poofalus, what *did* you have in mind?"
*****
As the doorknob slowly turned, Willow sat up and hurriedly wiped the tears from her face. "Spike?" She whispered hopefully.
"No. He’s out…. Hunting, I think. I hope that’s all." Angel smiled softly as he opened the door to reveal himself. "Will I do as a close second?"
"Go away."
"No."
"What?"
"I’m not going away. Not until we talk."
"Don’t want to talk," she grumbled, turning away from the vampire across the room. In an instant, he was beside her, turning her back to face him.
"Then just listen."
"You don’t underst-"
"Yes, I do understand what you’re going through. I’m probably the only one who does and ever will. I killed everyone I-"
"Cared about and did it with a song in your heart. I know. I read the diaries. Research Girl, remember? But it’s different."
"How so?" He sat beside her on the bed and put his arm around her shoulders. She tensed at the contact at first but then allowed him to comfort her.
"You just killed those you loved and who loved you. And yeah, bad, but what I did was worse. Killing them was too easy of an escape for them. I had to be a daily, unliving reminder that they failed. I let them know that they couldn’t protect me. That I was there watching them. And you know what I enjoyed most?"
"What?"
"The pain they caused themselves. They blamed themselves for the things I did. Xander took Anya’s death the hardest of all. He blamed himself twice. Once for not protecting me, and again for not saving her. That was the sweetest of all." Her eyes flashed gold as her demon dwelled upon the memory, and then tears began to fall anew as the guilt washed over her for taking pleasure in her friends’ pain.
"Shhh…." Angel soothed her, rubbing her back slowly as he tried to come to terms with what she’d admitted to him. Angelus had done some horrible things, but most of them involved physical pain, followed soon after by death. She was truly vicious.
"No wonder they all hate me."
"Hate you? Why do you think that?" Willow’s conclusion shocked him. How could she think they hated her? If they did, they would have simply killed her. The restoration spell was too difficult and dangerous to perform just on a whim.
"Why else would they curse me like this? Doomed to spend eternity alone. Can’t ever achieve happiness, or my evil self comes back. A mockery to the vampire world. Weak and pathetic. The whole point of being a vampire is not feeling guilt for your actions. And now they’ve taken that away from me. Besides, the restoration spell was intended to be a curse. You don’t curse someone you hate."
"Did you hate me when you restored my soul?"
"No, but…."
"But you did the spell."
"But you were happy with your soul. Well, not happy, exactly, ‘cause you still had it. But you were content with it before, weren’t you?"
"Yes, because I had gotten used to it. And you will too, in time."
"No! I don’t want to get used to it. I want to go back to hunting with Spike. The thrill of the chase, and then the fear when they realize what’s going to happen to them…. Don’t you miss it?"
"Every day, Willow. But I know that it’s wrong, and so do you. Deep down, you know it’s wrong."
"But I don’t want it to be wrong. I just want it to be." She pouted.
"You’ll get used to it. And this will get easier. It just takes time."
"I have plenty of that now, don’t I?"
"Come with me." Angel stood and started pulling Willow toward the door.
"What?"
"Come with me. Back to LA. You have too many memories here. And Buffy expects you to be exactly like you were when you were human. But you’re not, and you never will be. You need to get away from here so you can determine who you really are."
"But Spike…."
*****
Spike continued wandering the streets of Sunnydale, lost in his thoughts of Willow. She hated him now… that was certain. Angel wanted the two of them to go back to Los Angeles with him. But that was impossible. Willow would never agree to it, and he could never force her to do anything she didn’t want. Besides, she had her soul now, which meant she would go back to being the Slayer’s best friend and sidekick. No, she wouldn’t go with Angel. And neither would he. No matter how much she despised him, Spike would continue watching over the red-haired vampire who had stolen his unbeating heart. Resolved to decline Angel’s offer, he returned to their lair.
Sensing his sire’s presence, Spike followed its pull to the room where he had left Willow. Upon hearing their voices still conversing on the other side of the door, he waited impatiently for them to finish.
"He doesn’t have to come with us if you don’t want him to," Angel continued.
"Do you really think my leaving is for the best?"
"You need some time away from all of this to find yourself. And it will take time. It won’t be easy, but you can do it. I can make it easier for you."
"How did you do it, Angel? How did you deal with this constant battle going on inside of you?"
"At first, I shut myself away from the rest of the world. For nearly eighty years, I survived on eating rats in alleys and sewers."
"What changed?"
"Whistler found me and showed me that I have a purpose. That what I did with my life mattered. I had a choice to make. I could continue to live in the sewers, feeding on rodents, or I could make a difference. I could fight evil and save others from the creatures of the night instead of trying to forget that I was one of them."
"And now I have the same choice to make," Willow concluded.
"Yes. So what are you going to do? Fight evil, or eat rats?"
"I’d recommend the evil, luv. Rats aren’t very tasty." Spike pushed open the door and breezed into the room.
"Spike? What are you doing here?"
"I live here, pet. Weak or not, I’m still the master vampire in this town, and I intend to continue my reign."
"Then you think I should go."
"I think you should do what’s best for you."
"What about what’s best for us?"
"What us?"
"But you… you’re…"
"I am your sire, and nothing more. You said as much yourself. Angel here seems more than willing to take on those responsibilities. You have no need for me, nor I you." As much as giving her up hurt him, Spike knew he had to make sure she understood that she was free to liver her own unlife.
Blinking back tears, Willow turned back to Angel. "I just need some time to get my things together. We can leave tomorrow at sunset." With that, she stood and left the room, her sobs coming freely once she was out of sight.
*****
"I’ve really lost her, haven’t I?" Spike stared at the still open door.
"Maybe not. Someone wise once said, ‘If you love something, let it go. If it returns, it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t, it was never really yours to begin with.’ I think that applies to Willow. I know you love her, and I’m not trying to take her away from you, but I think she needs some time to adjust."
"She can’t adjust here?"
"Not with Buffy around. She’ll expect Willow to be the same girl she knew in high school, and from what I can tell, Willow hasn’t been that girl for quite some time, demon or no demon."
"But, Angel…"
"Yes, Spike?
"What if she wasn’t really mine? What if she doesn’t come back?"
"I don’t think you’ll have to worry about that, but if it happens, doesn’t she deserve whatever happiness she can find, with or without you?"
Spike thought for a moment before responding. "That’s why you left her, isn’t it?"
"What do you mean?"
"The Slayer. You left, but that was your way of letting her go. When she didn’t follow, you knew it wasn’t meant to be."
"You’re still welcome to come with us."
"No, I need to stay here. Can’t really let her go if I go with her, can I?"
"Not really. I’ll bring her back to you soon, Spike."
*****
Willow stood nervously at the window as she waited for Angel to pick her up. He’d spoken to Giles the night before, and the watcher was in agreement that Willow leaving was for the best. It was also decided that the witch-turned-vampire was not ready to face the others, so she would join them after they’d said their good-byes. She hadn’t seen Spike since she’d run out of the room the night before. Part of her was glad she didn’t have to see the disappointment she knew would be in his eyes as he watched her accept her fate and follow Angel, but part of her wished he would refuse to let her leave… that he would show some sign of still caring for her. But after the things she’d said, she knew that would never happen. Without even noticing it, she’d begun to weep softly as she waited for the black convertible to turn down the street.
"Pet?" Spike’s question startled her out of her thoughts, and she scrubbed furiously at the damp trails caused by tears running down her face, determined not to appear any weaker than he already thought she was.
"I guess this is it, Spike, isn’t it?"
"I guess so. I… I’ll miss you, kitten."
"Don’t say that. It…"
"It makes me weak, I know. But I don’t care. I love you, Willow. I’ve always given you anything you wanted or needed. And if you need to go away, I’ll give you that, too."
"You won’t come with us?"
"No."
"Why… why not?"
"I’m needed here. LA is Angel’s town. He may be able to tolerate what I do here, but he wouldn’t put up with me hunting while living under the same roof."
"Oh." Willow turned back to gaze out of the window at the empty street.
"Besides, someone has to watch after Slutty and your other friends while you’re gone." She looked up at him, incredulous.
"You… you’d do that?"
"For you, anything."
"Do I have to go?" she asked him seriously.
"What do you mean, kitten?"
"Are you sending me away? Is that why Angel came, to take me away so you wouldn’t have to deal with me any more?"
"Of course not! The Poof came because he and the cheerleader thought you were in trouble. Near as I can tell, she saw the Watcher doing the spell and you curled up crying, like I found you." This time, it was Spike’s turn to stare out the window. "Don’t you want to go?"
"I… I don’t know. I just don’t want you to be disappointed in me any more."
"Disappointed? In you? Never! Pet, you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. If I felt a fraction of the guilt that spell’s putting you through, you wouldn’t have found me crouched in a doorway. Probably wouldn’t have found me at all," he joked. "Might have found a little pile of dust lying in a sunbeam, but that’s –"
"Don’t say that!"
"What?"
"Don’t talk about killing yourself. I don’t want to even think about you leaving me. Not now, not ever. I wouldn’t survive. Promise me, Spike. Promise that you’ll never leave me." Willow threw her arms around Spike and buried her head in his shoulder. Spike returned the embrace as his eyes locked in understanding with those of the dark-haired vampire standing outside. As Angel returned to his car and drove away, Spike began to gently stroke Willow’s hair.
"I promise, pet. I’m not going anywhere, and neither are you." Confused, she looked first at Spike, then at a set of taillights as they turned the corner and disappeared from view.